Think before you speak!... But not for too long.

April 2, 2018

 It is a tired trope that our parents and teachers have told us since we learned to talk, "think before you speak.” I find that one to be a trap in relationships though. I don't know if it's the guys I've dated or talk to, but I notice that when I'm in an argument with guys, or they want to know something; if I take more than a second to answer then they get frustrated and threaten to end the conversation (although, it's probably just them gaslighting me). If I'm taking the time to cultivate my answer its usually because I don't want to hurt your feelings or my own. Sometimes I'm holding on to other peoples secrets, and I need to choose my words carefully so I don't bring them up. My mind is always a thousand places a minute. So if you spontaneously demand an answer from me, and threaten to walk away, I'm just going to blurt out whatever bullshit sounds like a complete sentence and do damage control from there. 


If people were more comfortable with silence, this wouldn't be a problem. If I were okay watching people I love to walk out on me this wouldn't be a problem. By now I've realized I can't let people rush me, I'll end up saying things I don't mean. When I speak, I want to be heard and believed. I can't care about awkward silence or you walking out. I would prefer you walk out a thousand times because you're impatient than because I said the wrong thing under pressure. It's why I prefer to text people over calling them. When I ask someone a feelings questions, I write it out, send it, die inside waiting for a response and then get elated or stabbed in the heart with the answer. 


But I still want to know more. If you're not into me, how did I get it so wrong? Why do you find it so hard to answer my questions now? Am I supposed to smile because for a brief moment everything was beautiful until you looked down and saw me reach for your hand? I can touch you anywhere but there. I won't pretend to understand. The way you kissed me, heaven help us if you feel that way with every girl you kiss. I've never felt the same. But it always leaves me feeling so fucking lonely. I had my college days just like everyone else, that's all I'll say, and you were always on my mind. No one measured up, no one. And you never felt the same about me, your words. And yet, I still love you. 


Maybe I'm a masochist because I'll love until I have nothing to give. I have nothing to offer now, so what do I do? Bury myself in work? Work out through the heartache? You were my drug, and all I asked was for you to stop supplying me. The rules were never fair. You knew I would always love you. I don't even get an explanation as to your exit. You were so much more to me than I was to you. I can count on my fingers the people I trust, and you were one. Then you come and go as you please striking up conversations and leaving. This level of hurt is something I cannot sustain. So I have to seal the door now to save myself, me on one side you on the other. And hopefully the next time you come around....there wont be won't be a next time.


"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be."




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