Sorry, not sorry

April 13, 2018


It's a great time to be a woman. I mean, we still get paid less than men and sexual harassment is still a big problem, but the feminist renaissance is definitely upon us. Your only options at this point are get on board or get run over. 


Women have reclaimed the word bitch and with it some attitude. I don't know if women just reached the breaking point, but I am enjoying the female positive music that is coming out right now. When Kesha's Rainbow album came out, I was going through my own personal little hell. I remember the first time that I heard Praying, I actually saw the video and heard the song at the same time. It expressed everything I was feeling. I was sitting alone in a windowless room that has two doors (one of them is the main door, and the other is a hidden door through the closet); this is my sanctuary. I had been shut off from the real world for a few months, I had only recently been diagnosed with PTSD, and my goal in life at this point was to communicate with as few people as possible because I did not trust anyone. The system had failed me; society had failed me, even my best friend that I considered my sister had failed me. I was in a jail of my own making. At the time I was taking Xanax almost every day because I would have flashbacks and panic attacks, I was a walking zombie. Then I saw the video, for the first time in months I cried real tears, I actually felt something. It was like being awakened from a nightmare. I waited with anticipation the release of her album after that. I played Praying on repeat all the while beginning my own recovery. For the first time in almost a year I left the house on my own, I only went to a few places within a couple of miles of my house, but it was better than staying in my jail cell. Then she released her album and I heard Woman, I was ready to branch out a little further, I started running errands again, babysitting, traveling. It gave me confidence; it reminded me of who I was before everything happened and who I am now. 


I'll take you forward a few months, I am now an aunt of three young nieces and have decided that they need all the kickass confidence that they can muster up. So, I start making a playlist for them, which I listen to as well, I included some Tupac, Kesha, and my favorite song of the moment Little Mix - Power. My playlist had over a hundred songs on it in almost every genre, by males and females. I sang power all the time. That was the song that put some bass in my voice. That playlist was the one that helped me say you know what I think I will take that self-defense course; then I started working out. When I confined myself to the jail cell, I also started dressing like a vagabond. I did this because I was tired of getting positive attention and I thought if I were dressed down or covered in sweats then I would get no attention, but I still got hit on every time I did go out. Then, one time I asked one of the guys that hit on me in the parking lot of a grocery store, "I haven't washed my face, and I'm in sweats, why are you still hitting on me?" and he told me "I can still see that you're pretty, and guys don't care about what you're wearing, you still look good." I went home that day and started getting rid of my sweats. My cover was pointless, guys could see right through it. I was still going to be fine as hell no matter what so I might as well dress how I want to dress, and my heels missed me.



Then I bring you to the last couple of months. I almost feel as good as a white man in America. To quote Cardi B I started "making money moves", i got a new job, got a new car, started reading like crazy (I've read probably 20 books in the last month or so), started breaking up with negative people, printed me up some business cards, and I keep my resume on deck because you never know who you're going to meet. All this is going on while Cardi B and Drake are dropping new music that has me vibing in a new boss type of way. I'm sitting around listening to drake thinking "yeah, what do I have to be nice for?" and Cardi B just wildin' out giving us some of the best breakup lines I've heard in a while. I almost wish I was talking to some of the guys I used to talk to just so I could quote some Cardi B lyrics and then disappear because had I been listening to her when I dated some of the fools I dated, I might have used them differently. All this is to say that music is influential and it's good that females have gone from being "boss bitch" to "boss, bitch."

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” 
- Shannon L. Alder


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