The Bodyguard

May 18, 2018

I've written a couple of blogs on here about the guy who didn't choose me. If you've ever watched the show On My Block which airs on Netflix I could compare us to a couple on the show; I'd say he's the Cesar to my Monse. Mind games a plenty, secrecy all around; not even their closest friends know that they're a thing. This is my relationship with him.



The thing about this couple is that they do care about each other (from this point on I'm speaking about myself only because I can't speak to someone else's intentions). He and I keep in contact, and there have been points where it seemed like he wanted to say more but cut himself off, I don't know, but it drives me crazy. For me it's not always what you say that hurts the most, it's what you omitted, what you didn't say. The words that were hanging on the tip of your tongue waiting to fall out. It makes me curious, of course, what kind of recourse could you be afraid of? Rejection, that's laughable, considering how many times I've put myself out there for you. Losing, the more we play the game the more I feel like a chess piece, and a pawn at that. Getting what you want, now that one I understand. If you've built something up in your head, you can be afraid of obtaining it. What happens if it doesn't meet your expectations, what if you let the other person down that you care about? 


The only "what if" I'm afraid of is: what if I don't try? I am a woman of very few regrets, lots of crazy stories, and a lot of forgiveness. I get my feelings hurt, but I'm also pragmatic. Being a woman of color who dated a lot of Caucasian men growing up, I can tell you, if you're the first one in your family to bring home someone who is outside your race, it can be the equivalent of coming out as homosexual to some families.

I've seen friends get kicked out, disowned, and iced out by their families for dating outside their races. They all have lots of friends of color, but you cross into new territory when you decide to have a genuine loving feeling that could produce offspring with someone who is "other." Some people may think it's racist, I don't, I think it's our sad reality. The most honest guys I've dated told me upfront that it might be an issue that they never dated a black girl before and they didn't know how it would end... luckily it didn't end like Get Out, but I'm still friends with them. 


Whether we know it, we're all scientist; we're always trying to make sense of our world. We run little experiments and if that failed, then we change our strategy until we find success, and then we keep repeating that experiment until it's a working theory. People we refer to as players and smooth talkers, they've performed the most tests, a lot of them even take notes on what works and what doesn't. I do the same thing; It's why I stay friends with my exes, some of them are too nice though. I want to know the uncomfortable truth of why you didn't like me more, or what I did. It's about ME; I can always become a better person. I guess most people don't want to be ragged on by their exes though, understandable.

“If someone can change your mind, he has won you over without raising his hand against you. This is the future of warfare.” 
― Bangambiki Habyarimana, 


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