I can't get no satisfaction.

May 29, 2018

So, I'm one of those rare people who actually will ghost out on my best friend of 15 years if you screw me over. I am not ride-or-die unconditionally, I have my limits. I can be screwed over almost an infinite amount of times and forgive you, but then once I no longer care about you... ghost protocol will be implemented. I will block you on every social media, I will have my family and closest friends block you on every social media platform. I will change my number and then block your number. I have an even more extensive list, but I don't want to give away ALL of my secrets. My point is, once I want to get out of your life I am gone. I have family members who haven't heard from me in years that will never me see me again. 



Why would I want to do this to anyone? My answer is plain and simple: I can't stand being used. A frequent of my blog, Cesar, has been ghosted for a while now but is the most recent to be done so. At first, I gave him the light treatment, I just deleted him from everything. He got the full effect within the last month because I found out that all ever wanted is my cookies and not me. Although, part of me still thinks that he just acts the way he does as part of our game, but I quit playing a while ago. I found this out when he hit me up to get a nibble, and I said no, then he deleted me from Instagram; the last platform we had contact on. This led me to ask him why he bothered to go through all the hoops that he went through all these years, which led me to ask myself why am I even talking to him? This guy is an idiot. If I were to believe a single word that he says, then he is the dumbest guy in the world, and it would make me the dumbest woman in the world.


He told me at some point that the guy I'm with isn't good enough for me, but he isn't right for me either. So, nobody is good enough for me according to him. He also told me how special I am and that I should share my talents with the world because I can do so much good. He was right about a few things, I am special, and he wasn't right for me. However, the guy I'm with isn't good enough for me in the way he meant it. He's impressive beyond words. He know's that there are some differences between us and he appreciates me for what I am and the fact that I chose to be with him. He knows that I'll always ask why because it's the way I was raised. Why was not a question in my house, it was a game. you can never give me an answer that I will be satisfied with because no matter what your answer is, I can always ask "why?"


It's funny though, I do believe some part of him will miss me even though we constantly rejected each other. I spent years thinking that he was special and trying to figure out why he kept coming back to me. The truth is, he was just like every other guy that my parents warned me about and I kept trying to see something in him that wasn't there. I didn't give a goodbye because it didn't seem right to me, he'll always be a part of me, we'll always have a story. Also, if i tried to say goodbye before I cut the cord it would have seemed like an emotional decision and the only emotion I had for him after our last conversation was bewilderment. All of the why's and how's swirled around my head in a hypnotic spiral making me dizzy with disbelief. I couldn't believe how cold he was. I couldn't believe he thought I was that type of girl. I didn't understand why he lead me on. I didn't understand any of it, I thought he was a good guy. Then it hit me. I had been friend-zoned by a guy I liked and gave into. Nothing wrong with that on the surface, but he knew I had feelings for him and slept with me anyways and THEN friend-zoned me... AND wanted to keep getting the cookie. No feelings attached means neither of you have feelings. If one of you does and you take advantage of that, you're a jerk and should beware the ides of November. 

“Cowards die many times before their deaths; 
The valiant never taste of death but once."

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